Coming Out
Congratulations, if you are on this page you are about to embark on an exciting phase of your life; a phase where you will grow and change and be more fully who you are in all aspects of you life. Coming out is not just about being LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transexual). It is about living authentically, whatever you happen to be. It is truly about coming alive!
Will I lose a friend? Possibly, but then they were not your true friends. You will find new friends who support the real you.
Will I be shunned by my church, my family, my co-workers, etc.? Possibly, but you will be a more powerful person for having faced such a shunning. You will learn to live by your own values, not theirs.
Will I go to hell? Absolutely not.
How do I honor my parents/family and yet still be who I am? You are responsible for being who you are. They are responsible for their reaction to it. You do not dishonor them by being truthful.
Will I lose my job? Maybe, but you can find another one. And you can choose when and if you want to take that risk.
Will my parents or other family members love and support me? Hopefully yes. But if they do not know who you really are, then what they love is partially an illusion. The question is not, are you good enough to be loved? It is, are they whole enough to unconditionally love you?
Am I a bad person? Absolutely not.
Am I still lovable? Absolutely yes.
Will I be alone? Only if you choose to be.
Will I find homosexual friends? They are out there waiting for you.
Will this change my life? Absolutely yes. If you are open and honest with yourself during this process and let your inner courage and wisdom guide you – it can be the beginning of living a life of meaning, value and purpose. It can be the best thing that ever happened to you. It was for me.
Who should I listen to? Yourself, your soul, and your higher power.
You can talk to friends, therapists, and life coaches; attend workshops; read books; meet with groups – but ultimately who you are, how you live, what you spend your time on and who you spend it with – is your decision and your responsibility. So with any resource that you review during this process, take what helps you and leave the rest.
Know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be in this moment. You are on the right path and in the right place on your journey - because your journey is your journey and no one else’s. If you have any of these fears or concerns or others, they are normal for you to have. You can work through this issue and come out happier than you ever dreamed possible.
Stages of Coming Out
At a high level, coming out is the process of acknowledging that:
Experts tend to identify five or six stages and the model below uses six stages. The experiences that allow a person to move through these stages also vary significantly, from meeting a single person of the same sex whom you like so much that you start questioning, to having a deep down feeling that you are different and exploring how you are different.
Finally, as you move through the coming out process and begin coming out to friends, family, etc., it is a good idea to first develop a network of people who support you in your process, who embrace your movement toward authenticity.
Consider joining GLBT groups and finding GLBT-friendly support such as therapists, life coaches, ministers, etc. Other GLBT tend to be highly supportive as they have faced the same questions.
Oftentimes, GLBT become like family to other GLBT whose families are not supportive. Come out first to friends, family, etc. who are most likely to be supportive of you. So that when you face opposition, you can turn to supportive people who will remind you that a non-supportive response is inappropriate and narrow-minded and about their fears and needs rather than your own.
How Do You Know You Are GLBT?
Do you need to dress flamboyant or wear leather to be GLBT? No, but the question, “How do you know you are GLBT?” is not an easy one and there are no clear cut answers. At a basic level, I suppose the answer is that “you are gay if you enjoy romantic and sexual intimacy with people of the same sex.” A similar answer applies for the same question about being bisexual or transsexual. But when you are trying to make a conclusion for yourself, this is too simplistic an answer. For some people, they have always known. For others, it is a long process of external and internal exploration. Over time, introspective thought, increased self-awareness and external observation and experiences help you become more certain until finally there is little, if any, doubt.
Actions that I found most helpful if you are uncertain about your orientation include:
Action: Hearing/reading other GLBT talk or write about their coming out experiences and feelings and comparing them to mine.
Resources/Comments: Various GLBT websites will connect you with local or national groups and with books, videos, etc. in which people describe their coming out process.
Action: Engage a therapist and/or life coach who is at a minimum, GLBT friendly; and ideally, is experienced with GLBT who are in their initial coming out process.
Resources/Comments: You may be able to find these through other GLBT that you meet. If you know a certain part of town has a lot of GLBT living there, then you may find more therapists of this category. Also, certain cities like New York and Atlanta may have therapy practices that focus on GLBT people. As for life coaching, check with accredited life coaching institutions for qualified coaches with a GLBT specialty area.
Action: Read studies and articles and watch documentaries about the coming out process.
Resources/Comments: Studies and articles can be found on GLBT websites. LOGO is a cable TV station devoted to GLBT. The station broadcasts all types of shows, both fiction and nonfiction, about GLBT lives and issues.
Action: Spend time with GLBT people either individually or in groups.
Resources/Comments: If you know at least one GLBT person that you trust enough, then finding other people may not be a challenge. But if you do not, then your best bet is to contact some of the internet websites that are at the back of this book and ask them to put you in touch with a group or person in your area. Once you know a person or two, they can generally help you find more GLBT people. In larger cities, like Atlanta, you will find groups of GLBT with common interests, like sports or the outdoors or science fiction. Some of the organizations may be national as well.
Action: Have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a person of the opposite (bisexuals) or same sex (gays, lesbians, bisexuals)
Resources/Comments: For me, I was 99.9% certain I was gay before I had a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman. Once I had the initial feeling that I was attracted to a woman and let myself consider that, it felt like my personal energy exploded. I could almost think of nothing else. I fought those feelings for several months and over time began to accept them. During that time I also realized that I had no desire to ever be with a man again. At that point, I was pretty certain. But I still had the smallest doubt, until I started dating women and found that I was naturally suited for emotional intimacy with women. But then I worried whether or not I was suited for physical intimacy. And then once I finally had a physical encounter, I was absolutely certain.
Taking this action may involve various degrees of complexity for you.
1. Just like any relationship, you may not be able to tell for certain with just one date, one emotionally intimate relationship or one physical encounter. Your initial contact may be with someone who is just not suited for you or with whom there just isn’t “chemistry.” So you may need to do some internal reflection to know what you need and what you are looking for in a relationship, so that you will be attuned to looking for those qualities in a person, and will recognize those qualities when you see them. In my process, I had already done this because I had taken a hard look at my marriage and my husband’s qualities in trying to determine why my needs were not being met.
2. You may be married (or in a relationship) which may include children and there are so many issues in this situation; legal, financial, moral, and safety. Perhaps you do not want to have another relationship until you have ended the one you are in. This was true for me. My divorce took about eight months from the time I communicated my desire for one with my husband. My actual dating occurred before the divorce, but after my separation from him. But you may have reasons such that you cannot or do not want to proceed with a divorce at this time. The question becomes whether you are willing to explore a romantic relationship with someone while still married. The answer to this would be driven by your moral/ethical standards and considerations for the person with whom you are currently in relationship with. I provide resources on this issue in a later section called Coming Out to your Spouse.
3. Then there are practical issues of how you explore your sexuality safely. How do you protect your health and safety? These issues are similar to those of heterosexual relationships as well. I discuss this to some degree in the Relationships, Sex, and Dating section of the book.
So when you are able to have a “relationship” will depend on your current situation, your desires, and your moral standards.
Action: For potential transsexuals, attend workshops held specifically for the purposes of determining if you should consider a sex-change and to undergo the physical and psychological changes inherent in such a transition.
Resources/Comments: I do not have personal experience in this area. But looking at the situation logically, a potential transsexual has a wide range of significant issues to deal with including:
Beware of “Helpful” People
By “helpful,” I mean people who seem to have a vested interest in whether you are GLBT or not. If they seem to be pushing you in one direction or the other then they are bringing the biases, beliefs, and needs of their lives into your world. Exploring your situation with such a person will not allow you to hear your own truth which is absolutely critical at this point in your life. A truly helpful person should only be concerned that you are moving closer to who you are, regardless of whether being gay is part of your essence or not.
If, When, Where, and How is Your Choice
If, when, where, and how you come out is your choice and NO ONE ELSE’S and no one should judge you for the decisions you make in this area. No one really walks in your shoes and thus no one has the right to judge you. Someone may judge you, telling you that you should be out everywhere, but I hope you can just disregard them. Those decisions are yours and yours alone to make as you bear the consequences of those decisions.
There is a segment of GLBT who believe you should be out everywhere, so that non GLBT will see actual people rather than keep their stereotypes of what GLBT are like. The belief is the non-GLBT will see that GLBT are generally nice people with the same problems and hopes and dreams as non-GLBT. And if they do really see us, it will break down the walls. I agree with this view, but still believe that each GLBT’s coming out process is an individual journey that must be driven by their own soul within the framework of their lives in that moment. We have no right to judge another GLBT’s process.
The Impact on Those You Come Out To
It is important for you to realize that when you come out to straight people, that unless they have had a lot of contact with GLBT people, they have some experiences similar to you. They experience hiddenness in their lives where they no longer share part or all of your life with their friends and families. They may be ashamed and/or fearful of how their network of people will respond. They now have to be careful with what they say about you, unless they want to be totally out about your life. And this may be a source of sadness, especially for parents, as one of their joys is often sharing what is happening with their kids.
For example, I am pretty sure that my parents, who are active church participants, limit what they share about me with church members. They choose not to share that I am gay and that I have a partner. So they always have to pause before sharing about me, figuring out what they can say to their friends that does not involve my being gay. And whenever the question is asked, “How are your children,” they experience a moment of shame.
Coming out to people can also change them profoundly. Many straight people have developed stereotypes of gay people based on what they see in the media or how they are discussed in groups, etc. When you come out to them, there is a disconnect between what their beliefs were and what they know about you. Significant change can occur for them as they reconcile this disconnect.
This is why coming out can reduce prejudices and homophobia. People you come out to are forced to see a real gay person and they find out that the gay person is very much like themselves – with similar hopes, dreams, goals, values, and ways of behavior.
Finally, if a person does not respond well, know that their response is not about you, it is about them and their fears and biases. It may take time for them to deal with that; just like it took you time to accept that you are GLBT; so a little patience may serve you here. It does not mean you have to let someone be abusive to you, but you can expect it to take a little time for them to get more comfortable with the fact that you are gay.
How Your Coming Out Impacts You
Coming out will likely change who you are, because coming out requires courage, the courage to:
Coming out can make you more aware of what you are responsible for and what you are not. You are not responsible for other people’s biases and fears and hopes and dreams. You do not have to be what any other person wants or expects. They are responsible for meeting their needs. You are not. You do not have to continue to have contact with anyone who hurts you physically or emotionally – and that includes family and friends. You do not have to subject yourself to continuous hurt from them. You may choose to do this, but you are not obligated. Hopefully, you will choose to minimize contact from people who make or try to make you feel that you are not “OK” the way you are.
Coming out can also create a powerful bond between you and the person to whom you come out. Because when you come out to someone, you are trusting them, you are being vulnerable, you are sharing something intimate with them. This creates the kind of real human connections that make life worth living – a connection without the masks we generally present to each other – with our true selves revealed – with our souls - who we really are – connected.
These changes – courage, vulnerability, trust, connection, inner strength, centeredness, healthy boundaries – will likely impact how you function in other parts of your life. You will find yourself to be much more powerful in other aspects of your life. Other people can read that kind of confidence in you. They will respond to you differently because you are different. Any time you live closer to what your soul tells you, that shines through. It is attractive. All people deep down really want that. So you may find people listen to you more, take you more seriously and that you have better judgment in general.
I found this to be true in my own life. As I moved through the coming out process, I became more confident – that I had value; that my thoughts were valuable; that I was worth listening to. I became closer with all my old friends. I became more outspoken. I was more in tune with messages from God in an unbelievable way. I could let go of trying to control other people. I had to let them feel what they felt about my situation. I could not control their thoughts or reactions. And I began to listen and obey my soul.
One other key difference between coming out and not coming out is the elimination of the distraction of working to stay hidden. This is a powerful difference. When you are speaking to others and have to be careful how much you share of yourself - it is distracting. We all edit or filter depending on the situation – work, church, close friends versus acquaintances. But when you are gay and hidden you must edit yourself in ways that others do not. If you share how you spent your weekend, you have to be careful how often you mention your partner and how much emotion you show when you mention his or her name. You may never mention that you went on a date or that you have a life-partner/spouse because you have to then be careful about using pronouns “she” or “he.” Not using any pronouns, saying “the person,” is the safest because then you are not directly misleading someone. But it is unnatural, distracting, and feels false.
So the more you can come out, the less distraction you have from the hiddenness and the more you can focus on hearing your truth and living it on a moment-by-moment basis. You can fully hear what the other person is saying to you instead of figuring out how to phrase your next statement so as to not inadvertently out yourself. But in each environment and situation, we have to decide whether it is right for us to come out or to remain hidden.
Accepting Versus Embracing That You are Gay
There is a difference between accepting that you are gay and embracing it. In Step 5, Identity Pride – A person experiences pride that he or she is gay. In Step 6, Identity Integration - A person is at peace with his or her sexual orientation and it becomes an aspect of the person’s holistic self view rather than the primary focus.
In Stage 4, you stop questioning that you are gay and accept that you are. You have had internal and external experiences such that you know you are gay. You have accepted that: “Ok, I’m gay . . . now what?” What does that mean? Do I like myself, now that I am gay? Am I a bad person? Will I go to hell? Will my friends and family support me? If they don’t, does it mean I am a bad person? Have you come to realize that being gay is just another aspect of your personality, like being generous, or passionate or selfish or mean? Do you love yourself because you are gay? Do you love all of you including your being gay?
These are Stages 5 and 6 and they are critical if you are to feel at peace with yourself and be happy and if you are to give whatever unique gifts you have to give to the universe; to fulfill your purposes on this planet. Stage 5 can be almost rebellious; where you say, “Darn it, I’m gay, deal with it,” putting it in everyone’s face. Or you may find yourself immersed in gay culture and society, perhaps even excluding straight society.
When you move into Stage 6, you love all of you, including the gay you. But you also love your childishness and your selfishness and your kindness and everything else. You view your gayness as part of who you are. It does not separate you from other people unless those people choose to make it do that. Your being gay is not the primary focus for you. It is more about being who you fully are, including your gayness, and interacting in the world as the real you, whatever that is. You are comfortable enough with yourself that you do not have to associate with only gay people. You can determine your willingness to be with someone by the “content of their character” rather than a label of straight or gay.
For many gay people, Stages 5 and 6 can take a long time. We face so much negative feedback in the media, from religious groups, etc. that is it is difficult to listen to what God and our souls tell us - that if we really listen to our souls - we know that we are gay, we know it was not a choice, we know it is not evil, we know we feel more whole than we have ever felt before, we know we are moving closer toward authenticity, we know we are closer to God than ever before, and we know that a benevolent, fair God would not punish us for this, for living as She designed us.
But it can still take a long time. And we may still have doubts along the way, because the teachings you learn as children are very hard to change. Those teachings swallow our soul like a python suffocating our spirit and creating a barrier to the truth of the universe. It is tough to break free. But I did it and millions of other people have done it and you can do it. Read a wide range of books, communicate with a wide range of people, and spend time with yourself, listening for the truth of your soul. It was put in you at your creation and is speaking to you now. You have to push away all the manipulative propaganda created in the past in order to hear it.
Coming Out Resources
BJC's Coming Out Page
http://www.geocities.com/bjcjapan/
Coming out story of a gay Canadian man living in Kyoto, Japan with his Japanese boyfriend.
Chanton.Com
http://www.chanton.com
A gay, lesbian, and bisexual penpal service
Coming Out and Staying Out Guide
http://www.gmhp.demon.co.uk/coming-out
UK guide for gay and bisexual men gives straightforward advice for coming out to friends and family
Oasis Magazine
http://www.oasismag.com/comingout
An interactive online magazine with a wide variety of information and activities for gay youth.
Human Rights Campaign's National Coming Out Project
http://www.hrc.org
The Human Rights Campaign is America’s largest civil rights organization working to achieve gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender equality. HRC strives to end discrimination against GLBT citizens. The website has extensive information for GLBT.
My Personal Story: Growing Up Gay
http://hem.passagen.se/nicb/story.htm
Coming out story by a gay man
The Coming Out of a Lesbian's Mother
http://www.angelfire.com/co/lesmom/index.html
A mother's reaction to learning her daughter's a lesbian
The Girls Talk About Coming Out!
http://members.tripod.com/~gingerly/gals.html
Girls talk about their coming out experiences.
OutProud
www.outproud.org
National organization providing coming out stories, school resource guide, brochures, and a library. Welcome to the World Wide Web site for OutProud, The National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth.
I Think I Might Be A Lesbian...Now What Do I Do?
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_think_lesbian.html
A brochure for young women questioning their sexuality
I Think I Might Be Gay...Now What Do I Do?
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_think_gay.html
A brochure for young men questioning their sexuality.
I Think I might be Bi:
http://www.binetusa.org/Pages/FAQPages/IThinkIMightBe.html
A brochure for young people questioning their sexuality
Coming Out to your Parents
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html
This is a must-read article if you are considering coming out to your parents.
Oasis Queer Youth Monthly Webzine
http://www.oasismag.com/
For queer and questioning youth featuring celebrity interviews, profiles and personal writings.
The Gay & Lesbian Review
http://www.glreview.com/
The Mission of The Gay & Lesbian Review Worldwide is to provide a forum for enlightened discussion of issues and ideas of importance to lesbians and gay men; to advance gay and lesbian culture by providing a quality vehicle for its best writers and thinkers; and to educate a broader public on gay and lesbian topics.
Bisexual
Bisexual Resource Center
http://www.biresource.org/
The Bisexual Resource Center is an international organization providing education and support for bisexual and progressive issues.
Bi The Way...
http://bitheway.org/
Provides numerous links to other bisexual, websites as well as personals and chat rooms.
BiNet USA
http://www.binetusa.org/
BiNet USA facilitates the development of a cohesive network of bisexual communities, promotion of bisexual visibility, and education about bisexuality.
bi.org
http://bi.org/
Provides a central hub for other bisexual websites, organizations, and publications
Transgendered
Gender Education and Advocacy (GEA)
http://www.gender.org/
A national organization focused on the needs of gender variant people. The organization seeks to educate and be an advocate for all human beings who suffer from gender-based oppression.
Transgender Guide
http://www.tgguide.com/
An extensive website with many transgender informational links and resources
Transgender Care
http://www.transgendercare.com/
Transgender Care contains a large archive of health information about medical, psychological, electrology, and general health services for the transgender community.
Transgender Law & Policy Institute (TLPI)
http://www.transgenderlaw.org/
The TLPI brings experts and advocates together to work on law and policy initiatives designed to advance transgender equality.
Susan’s Place Transgender Resources
http://www.susans.org/index.html
Provides numerous links to a wide range of transgender resources and information
Transgender Forum
http://www.transgender.org/
A website for non-profit transgender organizations
The Renaissance Transgender Association, Inc.
http://www.ren.org/
Provides education and support to transgendered individuals and those close to them
Note: All of these transgender links below came from Dr. Maxwell Anderson's website.
Maxwell is a well-known transgendered person, appearing in two documentaries, including the multi-award winning Southern Comfort, the story of his best friend, transman Robert Eades, who died of ovarian cancer in 1999. Dr. Maxwell Anderson holds a PhD in Psychology , a Masters in Professional Counseling, and a Bachelors in both Psychology and Business Administration. Maxwell is a 52 year old transman with over twenty-five years of testosterone use.
Stormie and Maxwell have a therapy, counseling and healing practice in Atlanta Georgia that focuses on transgender clients. You can find out more about their work at http://www.drmaxwellanderson.com/home . And Stormie writes an amazingly powerful blog at: http://www.drmaxwellanderson.com/blog .
They are passionate about helping people and welcome new clients. Feel
free to contact them if you need help.
Pridelinks.com
http://www.pridelinks.com/Health_and_Support/Parenting/
An extensive directory of parenting resources.
Lesbian and Gay Parenting http://www.apa.org/pi/parent.html
A research paper on lesbian and gay parenting.
FamilyAcceptance.com
http://www.familyacceptance.com/
This is a wonderful website written by the parents of a gay son. They live in a small town in Georgia and had to come to terms with their son’s homosexuality in light of the conservative religion they were brought up in.
Gay Family Values
http://www.angelfire.com/co/GayFamilyValues/index.html
The purpose of this website is to provide support to the growing number of Gay and Lesbian couples or single parents who have children through a previous marriage, adoption, or by other means.
Gay Parent
http://www.gayparentmag.com/11319.html
Gay Parent magazine is dedicated to GLBT parenting.
Youth
Youth Guardian Services
http://www.youth-guard.org/
Youth Guardian Services is a youth-run non-profit organization that provides support services on the Internet to GLBTQ.
The Trevor Project
thetrevorproject.org
The Trevor Project operates the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. Every day, The Trevor Project saves lives through its free and confidential helpline, its website and its educational services.
The Gay Youth Corner
http://www.thegyc.com/
The top gay teen community, profile, chat, article and resource site for young and teen gay, bisexual and lesbian people.
OutProud
www.outproud.org
National organization providing coming out stories, school resource guide, brochures, and a library. Welcome to the World Wide Web site for OutProud, The National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth.
Gay Youth Community
http://www.queerattitude.com/
Gay teen community for LGBT, queer and questioning youth worldwide. Friendly and lively forums, blogs, galleries and chat
List Gay Youth Links
http://www.angelfire.com/ns/gyl/
Congratulations, if you are on this page you are about to embark on an exciting phase of your life; a phase where you will grow and change and be more fully who you are in all aspects of you life. Coming out is not just about being LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transexual). It is about living authentically, whatever you happen to be. It is truly about coming alive!
Will I lose a friend? Possibly, but then they were not your true friends. You will find new friends who support the real you.
Will I be shunned by my church, my family, my co-workers, etc.? Possibly, but you will be a more powerful person for having faced such a shunning. You will learn to live by your own values, not theirs.
Will I go to hell? Absolutely not.
How do I honor my parents/family and yet still be who I am? You are responsible for being who you are. They are responsible for their reaction to it. You do not dishonor them by being truthful.
Will I lose my job? Maybe, but you can find another one. And you can choose when and if you want to take that risk.
Will my parents or other family members love and support me? Hopefully yes. But if they do not know who you really are, then what they love is partially an illusion. The question is not, are you good enough to be loved? It is, are they whole enough to unconditionally love you?
Am I a bad person? Absolutely not.
Am I still lovable? Absolutely yes.
Will I be alone? Only if you choose to be.
Will I find homosexual friends? They are out there waiting for you.
Will this change my life? Absolutely yes. If you are open and honest with yourself during this process and let your inner courage and wisdom guide you – it can be the beginning of living a life of meaning, value and purpose. It can be the best thing that ever happened to you. It was for me.
Who should I listen to? Yourself, your soul, and your higher power.
You can talk to friends, therapists, and life coaches; attend workshops; read books; meet with groups – but ultimately who you are, how you live, what you spend your time on and who you spend it with – is your decision and your responsibility. So with any resource that you review during this process, take what helps you and leave the rest.
Know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be in this moment. You are on the right path and in the right place on your journey - because your journey is your journey and no one else’s. If you have any of these fears or concerns or others, they are normal for you to have. You can work through this issue and come out happier than you ever dreamed possible.
Stages of Coming Out
At a high level, coming out is the process of acknowledging that:
- You are romantically attracted to people of the same
- sex (gay/lesbian),
- You are romantically attracted to people of both sexes (bisexual),
- Your sex is not aligned with who you are inside (transsexual),
Experts tend to identify five or six stages and the model below uses six stages. The experiences that allow a person to move through these stages also vary significantly, from meeting a single person of the same sex whom you like so much that you start questioning, to having a deep down feeling that you are different and exploring how you are different.
- Pre-Coming Out Stage - Begins to question whether or not he or she may be GLBT.
- Coming Out to Self - Acknowledges to self that he or she is or may be GLBT.
- Coming Out to Others - Begins to communicate to others that he or she is or may be GLBT.
- Identity Acceptance - Accepts that he or she is GLBT
- Identity Pride - Experiences pride that he or she is GLBT.
- Identity
Integration - Person is at peace with his or her sexual orientation and
true gender and it becomes an aspect of the person’s holistic self view
rather than the primary focus.
- May occur in a different order,
- May be blended,
- May be revisited over and over depending on a person’s circumstances,
- May take very little time or may take years,
- May occur early or late in life or somewhere in between and,
- May be very chaotic and not linear at times.
Finally, as you move through the coming out process and begin coming out to friends, family, etc., it is a good idea to first develop a network of people who support you in your process, who embrace your movement toward authenticity.
Consider joining GLBT groups and finding GLBT-friendly support such as therapists, life coaches, ministers, etc. Other GLBT tend to be highly supportive as they have faced the same questions.
Oftentimes, GLBT become like family to other GLBT whose families are not supportive. Come out first to friends, family, etc. who are most likely to be supportive of you. So that when you face opposition, you can turn to supportive people who will remind you that a non-supportive response is inappropriate and narrow-minded and about their fears and needs rather than your own.
How Do You Know You Are GLBT?
Do you need to dress flamboyant or wear leather to be GLBT? No, but the question, “How do you know you are GLBT?” is not an easy one and there are no clear cut answers. At a basic level, I suppose the answer is that “you are gay if you enjoy romantic and sexual intimacy with people of the same sex.” A similar answer applies for the same question about being bisexual or transsexual. But when you are trying to make a conclusion for yourself, this is too simplistic an answer. For some people, they have always known. For others, it is a long process of external and internal exploration. Over time, introspective thought, increased self-awareness and external observation and experiences help you become more certain until finally there is little, if any, doubt.
Actions that I found most helpful if you are uncertain about your orientation include:
Action: Hearing/reading other GLBT talk or write about their coming out experiences and feelings and comparing them to mine.
Resources/Comments: Various GLBT websites will connect you with local or national groups and with books, videos, etc. in which people describe their coming out process.
Action: Engage a therapist and/or life coach who is at a minimum, GLBT friendly; and ideally, is experienced with GLBT who are in their initial coming out process.
Resources/Comments: You may be able to find these through other GLBT that you meet. If you know a certain part of town has a lot of GLBT living there, then you may find more therapists of this category. Also, certain cities like New York and Atlanta may have therapy practices that focus on GLBT people. As for life coaching, check with accredited life coaching institutions for qualified coaches with a GLBT specialty area.
Action: Read studies and articles and watch documentaries about the coming out process.
Resources/Comments: Studies and articles can be found on GLBT websites. LOGO is a cable TV station devoted to GLBT. The station broadcasts all types of shows, both fiction and nonfiction, about GLBT lives and issues.
Action: Spend time with GLBT people either individually or in groups.
Resources/Comments: If you know at least one GLBT person that you trust enough, then finding other people may not be a challenge. But if you do not, then your best bet is to contact some of the internet websites that are at the back of this book and ask them to put you in touch with a group or person in your area. Once you know a person or two, they can generally help you find more GLBT people. In larger cities, like Atlanta, you will find groups of GLBT with common interests, like sports or the outdoors or science fiction. Some of the organizations may be national as well.
Action: Have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a person of the opposite (bisexuals) or same sex (gays, lesbians, bisexuals)
Resources/Comments: For me, I was 99.9% certain I was gay before I had a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman. Once I had the initial feeling that I was attracted to a woman and let myself consider that, it felt like my personal energy exploded. I could almost think of nothing else. I fought those feelings for several months and over time began to accept them. During that time I also realized that I had no desire to ever be with a man again. At that point, I was pretty certain. But I still had the smallest doubt, until I started dating women and found that I was naturally suited for emotional intimacy with women. But then I worried whether or not I was suited for physical intimacy. And then once I finally had a physical encounter, I was absolutely certain.
Taking this action may involve various degrees of complexity for you.
1. Just like any relationship, you may not be able to tell for certain with just one date, one emotionally intimate relationship or one physical encounter. Your initial contact may be with someone who is just not suited for you or with whom there just isn’t “chemistry.” So you may need to do some internal reflection to know what you need and what you are looking for in a relationship, so that you will be attuned to looking for those qualities in a person, and will recognize those qualities when you see them. In my process, I had already done this because I had taken a hard look at my marriage and my husband’s qualities in trying to determine why my needs were not being met.
2. You may be married (or in a relationship) which may include children and there are so many issues in this situation; legal, financial, moral, and safety. Perhaps you do not want to have another relationship until you have ended the one you are in. This was true for me. My divorce took about eight months from the time I communicated my desire for one with my husband. My actual dating occurred before the divorce, but after my separation from him. But you may have reasons such that you cannot or do not want to proceed with a divorce at this time. The question becomes whether you are willing to explore a romantic relationship with someone while still married. The answer to this would be driven by your moral/ethical standards and considerations for the person with whom you are currently in relationship with. I provide resources on this issue in a later section called Coming Out to your Spouse.
3. Then there are practical issues of how you explore your sexuality safely. How do you protect your health and safety? These issues are similar to those of heterosexual relationships as well. I discuss this to some degree in the Relationships, Sex, and Dating section of the book.
So when you are able to have a “relationship” will depend on your current situation, your desires, and your moral standards.
Action: For potential transsexuals, attend workshops held specifically for the purposes of determining if you should consider a sex-change and to undergo the physical and psychological changes inherent in such a transition.
Resources/Comments: I do not have personal experience in this area. But looking at the situation logically, a potential transsexual has a wide range of significant issues to deal with including:
- Physical changes – considering a change from a man to a woman or vice-versa
- Psychological changes – acknowledging to self and others who you really are on the inside, whether you “feel” like and desire to actually live as the opposite sex
- Sexual orientation after physical and psychological changes – once you have changed gender, are you attracted to men, women, or both?
- The coming out process (similar to gay, lesbian, and bisexual, but more complicated due to gender and sexual orientation issues).
Beware of “Helpful” People
By “helpful,” I mean people who seem to have a vested interest in whether you are GLBT or not. If they seem to be pushing you in one direction or the other then they are bringing the biases, beliefs, and needs of their lives into your world. Exploring your situation with such a person will not allow you to hear your own truth which is absolutely critical at this point in your life. A truly helpful person should only be concerned that you are moving closer to who you are, regardless of whether being gay is part of your essence or not.
If, When, Where, and How is Your Choice
If, when, where, and how you come out is your choice and NO ONE ELSE’S and no one should judge you for the decisions you make in this area. No one really walks in your shoes and thus no one has the right to judge you. Someone may judge you, telling you that you should be out everywhere, but I hope you can just disregard them. Those decisions are yours and yours alone to make as you bear the consequences of those decisions.
There is a segment of GLBT who believe you should be out everywhere, so that non GLBT will see actual people rather than keep their stereotypes of what GLBT are like. The belief is the non-GLBT will see that GLBT are generally nice people with the same problems and hopes and dreams as non-GLBT. And if they do really see us, it will break down the walls. I agree with this view, but still believe that each GLBT’s coming out process is an individual journey that must be driven by their own soul within the framework of their lives in that moment. We have no right to judge another GLBT’s process.
The Impact on Those You Come Out To
It is important for you to realize that when you come out to straight people, that unless they have had a lot of contact with GLBT people, they have some experiences similar to you. They experience hiddenness in their lives where they no longer share part or all of your life with their friends and families. They may be ashamed and/or fearful of how their network of people will respond. They now have to be careful with what they say about you, unless they want to be totally out about your life. And this may be a source of sadness, especially for parents, as one of their joys is often sharing what is happening with their kids.
For example, I am pretty sure that my parents, who are active church participants, limit what they share about me with church members. They choose not to share that I am gay and that I have a partner. So they always have to pause before sharing about me, figuring out what they can say to their friends that does not involve my being gay. And whenever the question is asked, “How are your children,” they experience a moment of shame.
Coming out to people can also change them profoundly. Many straight people have developed stereotypes of gay people based on what they see in the media or how they are discussed in groups, etc. When you come out to them, there is a disconnect between what their beliefs were and what they know about you. Significant change can occur for them as they reconcile this disconnect.
This is why coming out can reduce prejudices and homophobia. People you come out to are forced to see a real gay person and they find out that the gay person is very much like themselves – with similar hopes, dreams, goals, values, and ways of behavior.
Finally, if a person does not respond well, know that their response is not about you, it is about them and their fears and biases. It may take time for them to deal with that; just like it took you time to accept that you are GLBT; so a little patience may serve you here. It does not mean you have to let someone be abusive to you, but you can expect it to take a little time for them to get more comfortable with the fact that you are gay.
How Your Coming Out Impacts You
Coming out will likely change who you are, because coming out requires courage, the courage to:
- Risk judgment, criticism, condemnation, and/or ostracism,
- Define within your own rules, yourself and your way of living,
- Live by your intuition and instincts and inner soul,
- Know that what your soul is telling you is from God,
- Align how you live with the person God made you inside.
Coming out can make you more aware of what you are responsible for and what you are not. You are not responsible for other people’s biases and fears and hopes and dreams. You do not have to be what any other person wants or expects. They are responsible for meeting their needs. You are not. You do not have to continue to have contact with anyone who hurts you physically or emotionally – and that includes family and friends. You do not have to subject yourself to continuous hurt from them. You may choose to do this, but you are not obligated. Hopefully, you will choose to minimize contact from people who make or try to make you feel that you are not “OK” the way you are.
Coming out can also create a powerful bond between you and the person to whom you come out. Because when you come out to someone, you are trusting them, you are being vulnerable, you are sharing something intimate with them. This creates the kind of real human connections that make life worth living – a connection without the masks we generally present to each other – with our true selves revealed – with our souls - who we really are – connected.
These changes – courage, vulnerability, trust, connection, inner strength, centeredness, healthy boundaries – will likely impact how you function in other parts of your life. You will find yourself to be much more powerful in other aspects of your life. Other people can read that kind of confidence in you. They will respond to you differently because you are different. Any time you live closer to what your soul tells you, that shines through. It is attractive. All people deep down really want that. So you may find people listen to you more, take you more seriously and that you have better judgment in general.
I found this to be true in my own life. As I moved through the coming out process, I became more confident – that I had value; that my thoughts were valuable; that I was worth listening to. I became closer with all my old friends. I became more outspoken. I was more in tune with messages from God in an unbelievable way. I could let go of trying to control other people. I had to let them feel what they felt about my situation. I could not control their thoughts or reactions. And I began to listen and obey my soul.
One other key difference between coming out and not coming out is the elimination of the distraction of working to stay hidden. This is a powerful difference. When you are speaking to others and have to be careful how much you share of yourself - it is distracting. We all edit or filter depending on the situation – work, church, close friends versus acquaintances. But when you are gay and hidden you must edit yourself in ways that others do not. If you share how you spent your weekend, you have to be careful how often you mention your partner and how much emotion you show when you mention his or her name. You may never mention that you went on a date or that you have a life-partner/spouse because you have to then be careful about using pronouns “she” or “he.” Not using any pronouns, saying “the person,” is the safest because then you are not directly misleading someone. But it is unnatural, distracting, and feels false.
So the more you can come out, the less distraction you have from the hiddenness and the more you can focus on hearing your truth and living it on a moment-by-moment basis. You can fully hear what the other person is saying to you instead of figuring out how to phrase your next statement so as to not inadvertently out yourself. But in each environment and situation, we have to decide whether it is right for us to come out or to remain hidden.
Accepting Versus Embracing That You are Gay
There is a difference between accepting that you are gay and embracing it. In Step 5, Identity Pride – A person experiences pride that he or she is gay. In Step 6, Identity Integration - A person is at peace with his or her sexual orientation and it becomes an aspect of the person’s holistic self view rather than the primary focus.
In Stage 4, you stop questioning that you are gay and accept that you are. You have had internal and external experiences such that you know you are gay. You have accepted that: “Ok, I’m gay . . . now what?” What does that mean? Do I like myself, now that I am gay? Am I a bad person? Will I go to hell? Will my friends and family support me? If they don’t, does it mean I am a bad person? Have you come to realize that being gay is just another aspect of your personality, like being generous, or passionate or selfish or mean? Do you love yourself because you are gay? Do you love all of you including your being gay?
These are Stages 5 and 6 and they are critical if you are to feel at peace with yourself and be happy and if you are to give whatever unique gifts you have to give to the universe; to fulfill your purposes on this planet. Stage 5 can be almost rebellious; where you say, “Darn it, I’m gay, deal with it,” putting it in everyone’s face. Or you may find yourself immersed in gay culture and society, perhaps even excluding straight society.
When you move into Stage 6, you love all of you, including the gay you. But you also love your childishness and your selfishness and your kindness and everything else. You view your gayness as part of who you are. It does not separate you from other people unless those people choose to make it do that. Your being gay is not the primary focus for you. It is more about being who you fully are, including your gayness, and interacting in the world as the real you, whatever that is. You are comfortable enough with yourself that you do not have to associate with only gay people. You can determine your willingness to be with someone by the “content of their character” rather than a label of straight or gay.
For many gay people, Stages 5 and 6 can take a long time. We face so much negative feedback in the media, from religious groups, etc. that is it is difficult to listen to what God and our souls tell us - that if we really listen to our souls - we know that we are gay, we know it was not a choice, we know it is not evil, we know we feel more whole than we have ever felt before, we know we are moving closer toward authenticity, we know we are closer to God than ever before, and we know that a benevolent, fair God would not punish us for this, for living as She designed us.
But it can still take a long time. And we may still have doubts along the way, because the teachings you learn as children are very hard to change. Those teachings swallow our soul like a python suffocating our spirit and creating a barrier to the truth of the universe. It is tough to break free. But I did it and millions of other people have done it and you can do it. Read a wide range of books, communicate with a wide range of people, and spend time with yourself, listening for the truth of your soul. It was put in you at your creation and is speaking to you now. You have to push away all the manipulative propaganda created in the past in order to hear it.
Coming Out Resources
BJC's Coming Out Page
http://www.geocities.com/bjcjapan/
Coming out story of a gay Canadian man living in Kyoto, Japan with his Japanese boyfriend.
Chanton.Com
http://www.chanton.com
A gay, lesbian, and bisexual penpal service
Coming Out and Staying Out Guide
http://www.gmhp.demon.co.uk/coming-out
UK guide for gay and bisexual men gives straightforward advice for coming out to friends and family
Oasis Magazine
http://www.oasismag.com/comingout
An interactive online magazine with a wide variety of information and activities for gay youth.
Human Rights Campaign's National Coming Out Project
http://www.hrc.org
The Human Rights Campaign is America’s largest civil rights organization working to achieve gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender equality. HRC strives to end discrimination against GLBT citizens. The website has extensive information for GLBT.
My Personal Story: Growing Up Gay
http://hem.passagen.se/nicb/story.htm
Coming out story by a gay man
The Coming Out of a Lesbian's Mother
http://www.angelfire.com/co/lesmom/index.html
A mother's reaction to learning her daughter's a lesbian
The Girls Talk About Coming Out!
http://members.tripod.com/~gingerly/gals.html
Girls talk about their coming out experiences.
OutProud
www.outproud.org
National organization providing coming out stories, school resource guide, brochures, and a library. Welcome to the World Wide Web site for OutProud, The National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth.
I Think I Might Be A Lesbian...Now What Do I Do?
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_think_lesbian.html
A brochure for young women questioning their sexuality
I Think I Might Be Gay...Now What Do I Do?
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_think_gay.html
A brochure for young men questioning their sexuality.
I Think I might be Bi:
http://www.binetusa.org/Pages/FAQPages/IThinkIMightBe.html
A brochure for young people questioning their sexuality
Coming Out to your Parents
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html
This is a must-read article if you are considering coming out to your parents.
Oasis Queer Youth Monthly Webzine
http://www.oasismag.com/
For queer and questioning youth featuring celebrity interviews, profiles and personal writings.
The Gay & Lesbian Review
http://www.glreview.com/
The Mission of The Gay & Lesbian Review Worldwide is to provide a forum for enlightened discussion of issues and ideas of importance to lesbians and gay men; to advance gay and lesbian culture by providing a quality vehicle for its best writers and thinkers; and to educate a broader public on gay and lesbian topics.
Bisexual
Bisexual Resource Center
http://www.biresource.org/
The Bisexual Resource Center is an international organization providing education and support for bisexual and progressive issues.
Bi The Way...
http://bitheway.org/
Provides numerous links to other bisexual, websites as well as personals and chat rooms.
BiNet USA
http://www.binetusa.org/
BiNet USA facilitates the development of a cohesive network of bisexual communities, promotion of bisexual visibility, and education about bisexuality.
bi.org
http://bi.org/
Provides a central hub for other bisexual websites, organizations, and publications
Transgendered
Gender Education and Advocacy (GEA)
http://www.gender.org/
A national organization focused on the needs of gender variant people. The organization seeks to educate and be an advocate for all human beings who suffer from gender-based oppression.
Transgender Guide
http://www.tgguide.com/
An extensive website with many transgender informational links and resources
Transgender Care
http://www.transgendercare.com/
Transgender Care contains a large archive of health information about medical, psychological, electrology, and general health services for the transgender community.
Transgender Law & Policy Institute (TLPI)
http://www.transgenderlaw.org/
The TLPI brings experts and advocates together to work on law and policy initiatives designed to advance transgender equality.
Susan’s Place Transgender Resources
http://www.susans.org/index.html
Provides numerous links to a wide range of transgender resources and information
Transgender Forum
http://www.transgender.org/
A website for non-profit transgender organizations
The Renaissance Transgender Association, Inc.
http://www.ren.org/
Provides education and support to transgendered individuals and those close to them
Note: All of these transgender links below came from Dr. Maxwell Anderson's website.
Maxwell is a well-known transgendered person, appearing in two documentaries, including the multi-award winning Southern Comfort, the story of his best friend, transman Robert Eades, who died of ovarian cancer in 1999. Dr. Maxwell Anderson holds a PhD in Psychology , a Masters in Professional Counseling, and a Bachelors in both Psychology and Business Administration. Maxwell is a 52 year old transman with over twenty-five years of testosterone use.
Stormie and Maxwell have a therapy, counseling and healing practice in Atlanta Georgia that focuses on transgender clients. You can find out more about their work at http://www.drmaxwellanderson.
Dr. Becky Allison is an MD and transwoman who has a site with a lot of information and many very good links. http://www.drbecky.com/
Transexual Roadmap is a very detailed site that claims 1600 pages of information. The pages reviewed are simple and clear and detail many, many steps and choices in transitioning. http://www.tsroadmap.com/
The International Journal for Transgenderism. SIte has back issues of the official publication of the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association http://www.symposion.com/ijt/index.htm
Laura’s Playground is a HUGE support site with many links and resources, including 24/7 Suicide and Crisis counselors on line. http://www.lauras-playground.com/index.htm
Ms. Vickie Rene – lots of interesting links and information about individuals who have transitioned. http://www.vickirene.net
The AntiJen pages have news and a section of letters sent to families by TS people. There is also an extensive section of book reveiws. http://www.antijen.org/
The Transitional Male is an FTM oriented site. There are some broken links. http://www.thetransitionalmale.com
Lynn Conway runs a website with a lot of news and information and links. If you want fancy, this is not the place. If you want simple text format and heavy content, this is a good site. http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html
Phoenix Rising is an FTM site run by Alex Pangborn. It has a lot of information and links. http://phoenixrisingftm.net/
Mariette is a professional photographer who has been documenting the trans community for many years. http://www.mariettepathyallen.com/index.html
Ingersoll Gender Center is a Seattle, Washington center with some interesting links and information. They also list local Seattle providers and support groups. http://www.ingersollcenter.org
FTM International is one of the sites for FTM information and support, including help for families and friends. http://www.ftmi.org/
The Renaissance Transgender Association has chapters in the North East. It also has some resources, including some papers that have been translated into Spanish. http://www.ren.org/
Transster is a photo repository of female to male (FTM) gender reassignment surgeries. The pictures are graphic and detailed, you must register and log in to enter the site at all. http://www.transster.com/
The National Center for Transgender Equality is dedicated to advancing the equality of transgender people through advocacy, collaboration and empowerment. Political and legal action links. http://www.nctequality.org/
Gender.Org is the website of GEA – Gender Education and Advocacy – a national organization focused on the needs of gender variant people. Their homepage is still advertising their 2004 conference, but most links seem to be working. http://www.gender.org/
Trans-health.com is the online magazine of health and fitness for transsexual and transgendered people. http://www.trans-health.com/
Transsexuality, also known as Transsexual.org, is a fun site that seems to be mostly oriented to MTFs, but it has good general information, too. http://www.transsexual.org
The COGIATI is a non-diagnostic test for potential MTFs to get an idea of their level of gender dysphoria. It is NOT a diagnostic tool, it is for self-evaluation only. http://www.transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html
Scarleteen bills itself as “sex ed for the real world” and tries hard to keep to that goal. Good, basic information about sex and sexuality. Not specifically gay or trans. http://www.scarleteen.com
OutProud is the website for the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth. Information and links for young people, HOWEVER, as of 4/8/09 their TransProud links do not work. SEE BELOW http://www.outproud.org
TransProud is a site run by OutProud for trans youth. Site includes a link to the pdf book “Mom, I need to be a girl.” http://transproud.org
FTM Passing Tips. Simple site with an array of information. http://www.geocities.com/FTMPass/index.html
Gender Spectrum Family is a site dedicated to the education and support of families raising gender variant, gender non-conforming, gender-fluid, crossgender, and transgender children and adolescents. Their third annual conference is in Seattle, WA on September 4 – 6, 2009. http://www.genderspectrumfamily.org/index.shtml
The National Coalition for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Health is committed to improving the health and well-being of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals and communities through public education, coalition building and advocacy that focus on research, policy, education and training. http://www.lgbthealth.net
IFGE and Transgender Tapestry. The International Foundation for Gender Education, publishes the print magazine Transgender Tapestry and has many links and resources on the website. http://www.ifge.org
PFLAG. Support for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, also has Trans support and resources. National organization with local chapters. http://community.pflag.org
The World Professional Association for Transgender Health is the new name for the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association. A professional organization http://www.wpath.org/
A Healthy Place is not a trans site, They provide comprehensive information on mental health issues, psychological disorders and psychiatric medications from both a consumer and expert point of view. http://www.healthyplace.com/
ParentingPridelinks.com
http://www.pridelinks.com/Health_and_Support/Parenting/
An extensive directory of parenting resources.
Lesbian and Gay Parenting http://www.apa.org/pi/parent.html
A research paper on lesbian and gay parenting.
FamilyAcceptance.com
http://www.familyacceptance.com/
This is a wonderful website written by the parents of a gay son. They live in a small town in Georgia and had to come to terms with their son’s homosexuality in light of the conservative religion they were brought up in.
Gay Family Values
http://www.angelfire.com/co/GayFamilyValues/index.html
The purpose of this website is to provide support to the growing number of Gay and Lesbian couples or single parents who have children through a previous marriage, adoption, or by other means.
Gay Parent
http://www.gayparentmag.com/11319.html
Gay Parent magazine is dedicated to GLBT parenting.
Youth
Youth Guardian Services
http://www.youth-guard.org/
Youth Guardian Services is a youth-run non-profit organization that provides support services on the Internet to GLBTQ.
The Trevor Project
thetrevorproject.org
The Trevor Project operates the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. Every day, The Trevor Project saves lives through its free and confidential helpline, its website and its educational services.
The Gay Youth Corner
http://www.thegyc.com/
The top gay teen community, profile, chat, article and resource site for young and teen gay, bisexual and lesbian people.
OutProud
www.outproud.org
National organization providing coming out stories, school resource guide, brochures, and a library. Welcome to the World Wide Web site for OutProud, The National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth.
Gay Youth Community
http://www.queerattitude.com/
Gay teen community for LGBT, queer and questioning youth worldwide. Friendly and lively forums, blogs, galleries and chat
List Gay Youth Links
http://www.angelfire.com/ns/gyl/
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LGBT Therapist Search1
LGBT Therapist Search2
LGBTUSA Resources
LGBT World Resources
Jobs
Jobs all over the world
Will this be the Day
Dear Eleanor
Suicide Prevention
LGBT Student Organizations
The Gay Student Center
Voice of LGBT People of Color
Find Gay Bars
Find Lesbian Roommate
Find Gay Roommate
Find Lesbian Love
Find Gay Men